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Miscarriage & Me // Update: 4

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It’s been a little while since I mentioned our Miscarriage. 160 days, in fact, since my last post on here about it all. Because you don’t need me to tell you, life just has to move along. Especially when you have an Eli AND a James to look after too (!)

Since the end of the miscarriage, so much has happened. I’ve had the most spontaneous evening with Harry Styles, The Retreat, Bonfire Night, Christmas, New Year (fresh slate),  proposed move to Manchester (happening sometime, SOON!), followed by a stay in Manchester Royal Hospital (James, after a visit to A&E), a birthday surprise for my Papa and Mother’s Day. But here we are, almost half way into March. A month I’ve been desperately trying to not think about. But it’s here now and I have to face up to it. So by bashing this all out on the keyboard, I’m hoping I can get some kind of cathartic release.

So March. What’s the significance?

Well, my due date would have been, TODAY, 15th March.

So I knew that, at some point in March, whether that baby came early, or today, or indeed like their Big Brother, Eli, and arrived super late –  we knew had prepared that to have a brand new baba, in March. Today our arms are empty.

But obviously, this is not the case. This isn’t what’s happening this March, at least.

Today, I’ve had messages of love and support and care and its been so nice. I’ve had the head tilt, which has cheered me up without anyone even realising (a la Richard in Friends, see my reference, here) (SIDE NOTE // does anyone else live their days through quotes from FRIENDS? I can’t think of a day when I didn’t reference it at least!)

How have I been?

 

  • Well, physically, I felt battered and bruised for a few weeks post-operation – really exhausted. I slept through the day a lot. Mentally, I was totally drained. But I had to keep going – especially for Eli. I also overate, no rhyme or reason, but I couldn’t stop eating. Boy am I paying for it now as I try and shift off the pounds! Though, I’ve lost 10lbs in 5 weeks, so I’m getting there slowly.
  • Cycle-wise, my periods returned, a few days out from when I expected and they are still a bit strange. As I mentioned lots before, my periods are exceptionally painful (Endometriosis) and usually with an excessive amount of blood loss. While the pain has been the same (!!) as before, the blood loss is somewhat scant. So I’m wondering whether some endometrial tissue was removed during the ERPC operation? Who knows – but my body is still keeping me on my toes.
  • FYI – just after the New Year I received my ‘invitation’ for my Cervical Screening Test. I went to book it and was told to wait until 3-4 months AFTER the ERPC, to allow for the cells around the cervix to regrow following a miscarriage.  I had my Smear test last week – awaiting the letter back. But as usual, it was smashing, no problems with the procedure at all. It took around 2 mins, tops.
  • Following my operation I had a spate of infections (chest/ear/lung/so many colds). It culminated with a Spirometry Test and our darling Coco heading to a rescue centre to be re-homed. The diagnosis was COPD and I have a lung age of 61. Shockingly, I’ve never smoked and I’m only 31. Since Coco was re-homed however, my symptoms have dwindled and I feel much more healthy again! I’m sorry to say its all probably quite likely that I had a pet allergy 🙁 But I’m pretty impressed with my recovery and taking just one inhaler a day now. (Also, it goes without saying too – Mum’s ARE always right, damn!)
  • I became jealous, I guess, and sad – wouldn’t ‘luck’ just have it that so many friends (and IG strangers!) were announcing their pregnancies and births? Of course it would.  Though, as it is fairly obvious, I do absolutely  love a baba (I wouldn’t be craving my maternal duties again if I didn’t!) and it’s so wonderful to see these new babes coming safely into the world. I am honestly over the moon for everyone I’ve come into contact with who has told me of their happy news! But then I feel the intense guilt for feeling this sadness… part of me can’t help but think, this should also be us. We could be sharing our happy news right now too. Aren’t emotions bloody brilliant, eh?
  • Mentally – I’ve all over the place.
    • I’ve had a weeks and weeks where things have been great! Actually never better! But the closer we’ve come into March, the more vulnerable I’ve felt.
    • This week, I feel low and sad and diminished.
    • Without this being a completely sombre update, right now, I feel like I have this big black cloud hanging out with me – following my every move. I can’t shake it off.
    • I’ve had lots of tension headaches, back & neck (tension) pain and intense dreams – when I’m able to actually sleep, that is.
You can always count on Rupi Kaur to put your feelings together for you.

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I confronted my inner thoughts last week, which involved a whole lot of sobbing my heart out – and vocalising exactly I’m how feeling. I’d bottled it up, probably since November. It feels better to share – even if the other person doesn’t say anything at all – just sharing, feels so good. Though, the only person getting the brunt of it all at the minute, is poor James. And of course, he feels all the feels too.  A baby, our new baby, could have been in his arms, too, making him a parent all over again.

I didn’t have a follow up after my ERPC, I didn’t actually even speak to my GP about the trauma we’d been through. (Should I have? Should I have been sent an invitation for a follow up appointment of some kind? What happens in your local authority? ). I feel like maybe the grief is only just hitting me now – perhaps because when the due date has been and gone, then it all becomes real and in turn, gives us some kind of closure. Because that’s the end of the life-cycle, as it were. If that makes any sense at all. This all got me thinking, I have nothing physical to ‘show’ for my loss. So I contacted PALS at Broomfield Hospital, to see if I could access my medical records, notes, multiple scan imagery. See if there is any ounce of explanation following my ERPC (and the subsequent investigation that was to allegedly follow).  I kept my eyes firmly closed for a lot of the scans and procedures – willing it to be over. Anything any specialist pointed out or illustrated on the screen was a blur and didn’t register with me. Apparently I should have been offered copies of my scans – I’m now wondering if this also would have helped mark our loss and support our grieving process. Also, you can also ask (or may be offered) a Certification –  according to The Miscarriage Association,  this is a kind of ‘ death certificate’. For some parents, the sadness of pregnancy loss before 24 weeks is increased by the fact that there is no documentation that acknowledges the loss of their baby.  We recommend that NHS trusts create and offer some form of certification for parents who would like this. Tim Loughton MP has recently tabled a Private Member’s Bill which includes a request for a report on whether the law ought to be changed either to allow the registration of pre-24 week pregnancy losses (so it’s a personal choice) or to require it (so it is a legal requirement). The Miscarriage Association ran a survey on this to collate personal views – more details on this can be found, here.  The PALS team at Broomfield got in touch with a really lovely email – which was followed up by a call today from the Matron of Gynaecology. She’s invited us into the hospital to go through my notes and any questions / concerns, with my consultant (who was also the consultant we had for when I was pregnant with Eli), Miss Joshi. I was taken aback by the phone call and became quite emotional with the Matron. The kindness of strangers will never cease to amaze me.

To our Baby Briston-Hill (PRAWNER #2), you never did arrive in our arms – but you will be forever in my heart. I will live in wonder of who you would have been  – you’ll always be my favourite what if? my little darling.

Our little fam is pretty special – I’ll be squeezing these two extra hard today 🖤

Thank you for reading thus far; and thank you for the bags of support and love we’ve received. It means the world 🖤 Eli is going to be the BEST big brother (EVER) when it happens. And not a single one of us can wait. As the wonderful mind that was Professor Stephen Hawking, so perfectly put it,

“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don’t just give up.”

 Professor Stephen Hawking

So this is what we’ll do.

All my love,
C
✖✖✖

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Support networks:
The Miscarriage Association
Tommy’s, The Baby Charity
Cruse, Bereavement Care
SANDS, Stillbirth & Neonatal Charity

Donate:
You can donate directly to The Miscarriage Association, from my FACEBOOK PAGE, HERE.

See also:
READ MORE >> Miscarriage & Me.
READ MORE >> Miscarriage & Me // An Update
READ MORE >> Miscarriage & Me // An Update: 2
READ MORE >> Miscarriage & Me // An Update: 3

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BACK | TO | BLIGHTY.

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The first weekend back in England and we had a forage in our new back garden, where we found the most marvellous rhubarb! 

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…and just like that, we’re back in Blighty.

For me, our secondment to Berlin feels like such a whirlwind. A total blur. We were there 9 months, and for the most part, I loved it. Loved being at work, loved the people, the culture, the places to see and the things to do. Berlin was incredible for kids. Which I had never anticipated! Even restaurants will go out of their way for children. It’s a highly child-friendly City.

But the truth is, England is home. And in Essex, we’ve found a county that I’m not sure I could ever move away from again.

Also, just wanted to shout out to some new friends. I felt majorly disconnected and really quite lonely when we were living out in Berlin. Whilst this may, or may not, come as a surprise, I found the Insta-Community to be ERRRRRRRRYTHING. I can’t tell you how much the chatter and support helped me. Even if I wasn’t mustering the energies to join in – just keeping abreast of how everyone else was getting on, also helped. Never underestimate the power of a Digital-shoulder, and how it can impact on others! I look forward to meeting you all IRL soon.

It feels good to be back.

I have started writing a Things I Missed list, in true Mother Of All Lists (aka and/or Clemmie @Peckham_Mamma) style! Might be helpful for prospective/current Ex-Pat’s living in all different corners of this lovely globe of ours.

So here is to being back in Blighty. I’ve missed you, you gorgeous thing.

MM.

 

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Kids’ Footwear | New Balance Trainers / Sneakers / Sneaks.

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A few years ago we lived and worked in East London. We saw a lot of trends, styles, brands, come and go. But it was practically overnight that I spotted guys wearing NEW BALANCE trainers; and I’m not gonna lie, I was like “how are they even making a come back?!”. As a kid, New Balance were always a trainer that I saw as being fit for purpose, like for playing Tennis in or something else sporty!

A few more weeks went by, seeing more and more colours of sneaks popping up; and then I saw a pair of Bordeaux Red (my favourite wine no less) New Balance 574’s in the window of Albam, Spitalfields. I fell in love. I wanted them for myself, even though they were Men’s. I knew right then that my opinion on New Balance had been overturned, forever. And rightly so.

Fast forward 5 years and my almost 4 year old is loving life in his very own pair of All-Black 574’s.

For those who don’t perhaps know, Eli was born with several medical conditions – Talipes, Torticollis and Hypermobility. From before he was even born, Eli endured some pretty intense tests, scans, physio and corrective treatments (Ponseti method). He came out the other side meeting the milestones that all his pals met, at the same age (and some he hit even sooner than anticipated!). While, on the outset Eli looks ‘fixed’, you can’t help but notice just how clumsy he can be, how off-balance he can be and how crazily flexible he can be! He’s super-active and he never did learn to *just* walk – he quite literally got up one day and RAN. Eli also doesn’t sleep well – never has – since being a newborn. We sometimes excuse his lack of sleep with, “he just doesn’t want to miss out”, “he’s being a typical toddler”. But the older he’s getting, the more convinced we are that it could well be his conditions waking him and giving him jip. He’s commented recently on his feet and knee’s being sore. We were told that it’s likely he could grow up with Migraines and will get early onset Arthritis due to the flexibility of his joints. (We have his next check-up with his consultant in June).

When Eli did start running walking we struggled to find suitable footwear that supported him fully, that would aid against relapse and would keep him upright. With this all in mind, I wanted to highlight how good these trainers are for his feet; and his balance (no pun intended). They’re a great fit for him, just narrow enough. They tie quite tightly, with no rubbing at any points. They keep him more sturdy than any other footwear he has, yet they’re really lightweight. They’ve worn exceptionally well and actually still look brand new. Eli has commented that they’re “my comfy adventure shoes”. And I think that says it all! He’s really happy with them – he runs like the wind in them – and looks pretty cool too.

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I ordered Eli’s 574’s from OFFICE and had them delivered within the week to Berlin. They have a massive range of Kids’ New Balance styles, in loads of wicked colours. There are also velcro versions for smaller feet… or for feet that love untying those shoe laces! You can shop the full range online here.

 

MM.

 

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Another one of ‘those’ blog posts…

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Yes, I am sorry. But this is another one of ‘those’ blog posts where I apologise for not writing for so long.

Life – as I always say – has taken over! I work more or less full time right now. Which is great for exercising my brain. But my god, do I miss my little boy. Needs must however, and the work is fun, engaging and what I’m passionate about. So it’s not dull in the slightest! I’m very lucky that I can work from my own office space at home, so I know Eli isn’t too far away. And the best thing? I know I can wear my onesie to the office, if I feel so inclined! But yes, it’s been pretty full on…

So much has happened in the past few months. We were discharged from the consultant who looks after Eli’s Torticollis back in May – due to their being no treatment, cure or support. We will self-refer should our situation change. But right now, *touch wood*, things are working as they should be. We also saw our consultant who looks after Eli’s Talipes on the same day. We will go back for a review in around November/December time. But overall, he was over the moon with Eli’s progress, as are we! We certainly have a very fast little runner in Eli. Well, he is an Olympic baby afterall!

Just this week we have started the 5:2 diet – which I hope to document through my blog and my Instagram (click here to follow me, @JudyPink!). Yesterday was my first fast day, (I’ll write a separate blog on this), and I survived!

I’m sure a whole lot of other stuff has happened inbetween (like Mother’s Day, Easter, failing 3 driving tests, Tonsillitis, being asked to be a bridesmaid, meeting Iggle Piggle, turning 28, Father’s Day… oh and seeing One Direction!) So I’m sorry I won’t be catching up on that stuff – probably for the best. BUT I do promise to try and spend a little bit more time on my blog again. I do miss my writing and documenting Eli’s progress and lovely outfits that he has 🙂 (Plus it means that Mr Memoirs can play on his PS4 at the same time! 😉 )

For now, I bid you a pleasant day!
MM.

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Welcome to 2014.

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Ok, so, I’m massively late with the old HAPPY NEW YEAR post… in fact, I’ve been really rather absent from my blog over the past few weeks. Work and life in general has certainly taken over. But alas, better late than never – HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

Today is Monday, it’s coming up to lunchtime and Eli is fast asleep (still…hmmm). So I thought I best check in and say WELCOME TO 2014. I’m sincerely hoping to keep on top of my blog this year, I did quite well last year – but as I say, my posts did tail off with life becoming mad-hectic!

I’m looking very forward to the year ahead – hoping for lots of adventures and memories made with my family and friends.

2014 so far has not been uneventful – and we’re only on Day 6 of the year.

Mr Eli went into hospital on Thursday 2nd January for a MRI brain scan to further investigate his Torticollis (following the horrid attack he had on 7th November 2013) – for which he had to go under anaesthetic for. Truly just the worst experience; and biggest challenge of our parenting lives to date. Just horrendous, and so so distressing for us. However, he did come through the other side ok and came back to his jolly-self relatively quickly. We’re now awaiting the results, this should take 4 weeks. When we’ve got the all clear (which we’re certain we will), I will then write a dedicated post on the processes we faced on the 2nd January and the outcome of course.

Not wanting to leave this first post of 2014 on a sombre note – Mr Eli took 4 steps between OH and I last night. We pretty much screamed the house down. Eli has been confident on his feet since around 11 months old, cruising around the furniture and between gaps at lightening speed. Eli does however, travel at the speed of actual light on all fours – always has. This has, we feel, come at a detriment to the development of his walking. Talipes aside, Eli is STILL well within the ‘normal’ remit of when children do hit the walking unaided milestone. We think he’s just being a little bit casual with it due to the fact he travels so so quickly when crawling instead. Hopefully over the next few weeks Eli will gain that much needed confidence and quite literally, ‘find his feet’.

Wishing you all well in 2014.

MM.

 

 

 

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I know, I know…

…it’s been longer than I said. But it just took AGES to hang this washing out.

I am RUBBISH. But I swear, this time it’s different. This time we have ROUTINE! Hurrah. So I PROMISE there will be regular posts, here, from now on.

Also, in other news. I am now Self-Employed – another reason for why I’ve just been so busy. Aside from the mountains of laundry of course. I’m a Freelance Social Media and Digital Communications Specialist. If you need me, I can work part-time, from home, around Mr Eli’s routine.

You can find more about how to employ me, here: LinkedIn.

It’s all been working really well thus far!

RIGHT, better get posting then!

MM.

 

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Oh hello, it’s been a while…

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I know, I know. It’s been a canny while. Life has been pretty hectic to say the very least.

SO MUCH has happened since I last properly updated.

– Mr Eli has been in and out of plaster casts for his Talipes treatment. He’s currently in full time B & B (Boots and Bars). I’ll do a proper update on this too.

– We’ve had our first Christmas together, which was AMAZING.

– New Year came and went without a hitch.

– Started feeding Eli proper, actual, proper food! Which he LOVES.

– We’ve been here, there and everywhere visiting friends and family.

– I finally overcome some very difficult decisions and feel a ton has been lifted from my shoulders… albeit, it has been replaced with a wee bit of stress. But I’ll reveal all later! It’s all a bit hush hush right now.

– I’ve FINALLY started driving lessons! It’s only taken me 10 years.

Think that’s all for now. Will catch up again VERY soon!

MM.

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HE’S FINALLY HERE!

This is the first photo of me and my son. My beautiful, perfect son.

Introducing Mr Elijah Joseph Thomas Hill.

Born on: Monday 6th August 2012.

Time: 21:43.

Weight: 8lb (exactly).

Length: 48cm.

I think I’ll save the gruelling birth story for another day. I’d like to just reflect on how beautiful my little angel is for now 🙂 The past fortnight has gone like a blur (not helped by the fact I ended up back in hospital with an infection! But that is another story). So will gradually be easing back into things slowly. I hope I have time to blog as much as I did previously, but as any new Mummy will understand, there just aren’t enough hours in the day! I don’t know where the time actually flies away to! I can’t believe my little one is already 16 days old today! So please bare with me as normal service begins to resume 🙂

MM.

 

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Our changing bag: The Mulberry Clipper Holdall.

This has been the sight next to our front door, for the past NINE weeks. These are all our hospital bags, ready and waiting! Suitcase is mine, and is filled to the brim with every essential you need for your stay at hospital – you can read what those absolute essentials are, here>>I’ve FINALLY done it! Hospital Bag(s) are packed! The amazing Mulberry Clipper Holdall is our changing bag (more on that in a second), the Barbour bag to the bottom left is OH’s essentials (iPad, change of clothing, toiletries) and the Borough Market bag is all our food supplies!

So, Changing Bag… we spent such a long time searching for the “perfect” bag. We wanted something that didn’t look ‘Mummsy’. We didn’t want something that was feminine, OH will be carrying it around too! During our search we found that there was nothing that was completely unisex – apart from the generic black satchel style bags… which to be honest, just didn’t hit the spot for us! This is going to be a bag that we’ll use every day, so we wanted to be really happy with it! All of the ‘Mummsy’ style bags are pretty expensive anyway, £250+!

We looked for actual Leather satchels as we felt this would be most universal for us both. But with Leather, comes a pricetag. We soon found that even just nice Leather satchel bags, that weren’t necessarily for our purpose, were coming up at £400+. When we would look into the details of these bags, we found that there just wouldn’t be enough space for everything that a babba needs on a daily basis – as well as what we might need to cram in for ourselves too! We also decided we wanted something that would be kind of waterproof – Britain is not renowned for it’s dry weather is it!

We went to all the usual high street stores in search of just a standard, but small, holdall that would meet all our demands. We almost settled on this one from Barbour – Barbour Wax Cotton and Leather Trim Satchel, £119: Style available from JohnLewis.com

But, this bag is actually a little too big for what we need it for! It looked massive against me and I just couldn’t see ME using it. OH on the other hand, was chuffed with it.

So on with the search!

I’m a massive fan of Mulberry. It’s my favourite brand. So, I said I wanted a Mulberry Alexa…

Mulberry Oversized Alexa Messenger & Shoulder Bag, £925. Style available from JohnLewis.com

But then we realised that the £795 size wasn’t big enough… and £795 is a ridiculous price for a ‘changing’ bag! OH also concluded that an Alexa was too feminine for him. I did email Mulberry regarding changing bags, as they’re clearly missing a huge audience by not offering a selection! They replied to me with:

We have taken on board customer requests for changing bags and our soon to be available Autumn Winter 2012 collection will include the Rosie Baby bag in Black or Oak Tiger Print Nylon as part of the range.

Pretty exciting! But a bit too late…

Then I started looking at their holdalls. We’d always said we wanted a Clipper holdall. They’re classic Mulberry. They’re perfect for trips away. They’re a style that just will not date – but will get better with age.

We went along to Westfield: Stratford City to take a closer look. The Simple Mulberry Clipper Holdall (£350), was the perfect size! Inside and out 🙂

So we said “sod it” and bought it 😀 It’s beautiful. We’re over the moon with it – and more to the point, unlike ‘real’ changing bags, we’ll be using this holdall for years and years and years and years to come. It’s a style that is built to last! So we were happy to pay the £350 price-tag, because it’s going to get so much more use than a standard changing bag. It completely meets our very niche criteria and OH cannot wait to get outside with it 🙂

MM.

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Bump Watch: Megan Fox IS pregnant!

What wonderful news! I say news, but err, nothing has been officially confirmed by Megan Fox or husband, Brian Austin Green! But it’s pretty obvious by these photos that surfaced overnight, that Megan is indeed with child. And how beautiful does she look? Really!? Having a bump certainly suits her!

As I reported back in March (Mum’s the word: Megan Fox pregnant with first child.) I would be on ‘bump watch’ – and here we have it! These photos are allegedly ‘unposed’ as the couple are enjoying their second wedding anniversary. Either way, I still think she looks absolutely blooooming. Something I certainly didn’t look or feel at about 4/5 months pregnant!

MM.