Goooooodbye, my friend

“IT’S NOT A REINVENTION, BUT RATHER AN INTERVENTION”

HIYA.

It’s been a long time coming. I’ve gone to change my username on here a dozen times or more, and “chickened out”. You see, @instagram was the only remaining social channel that I used JUDY PINK as my username. So many people knew me IRL as such, it always felt tricky to change it! While I’m sad to say goodbye to Judy Pink, this isn’t a reinvention but rather an intervention. Today I am, just me.

I thought I better introduce myself – my *actual* name is Claire👋🏻

(Cue: “her name’s Claire” 🎶)

I’m thirty something and 5 foot nothing. I’m from the North East and (somewhat proudly) reside in the North West🐝  Mama to two and a half-wife of 16 years to another. I’ve recently taken to sewing – I have no idea either – but it’s keeping me sane during this weird time 🤷‍♀️

So there we have it. Judy Pink is officially no more. And I’m, just me.

C
✖️✖️✖️

NATIONAL RAINBOW BABY DAY // 2019

🌈 NATIONAL RAINBOW BABY DAY // 2019 🌈

Today marks National Rainbow Baby Day🌈 and it’s hard to believe that almost 2 years ago (to the day) I began miscarrying a very much tried for and loved baby.

A rainbow baby is a baby born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. These babies are the rainbow after the storm – bringing hope, promise, healing, and remembrance.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in Miscarriage – its THAT common. Whilst this is a day to celebrate, I also wanted to just highlight our own Miscarriage journey for those who have experienced, or are currently experiencing, the trauma of Miscarriage . All my posts are linked here >>> MISCARRIAGE & ME. 

This special celebration is a way for mothers (AND fathers / partners / families) across the country to share their experiences, grieve, reflect, and most importantly, celebrate the joy and love for their miraculous Rainbow Babies. A Rainbow Baby brings hope to so many – beautiful examples of how a woman’s body and mind can heal after pregnancy or infant loss. These newborn babes do not heal the hurt, pain or strain of a loss, but they remind us to celebrate life and find joy. They are a rare treasure.

I sit and type away, right now, with my darling baby girl laid next to me – our beautiful Rainbow Baby that we thought would never come. As I look at Edie, I can’t help but think about the sibling she and her brother will never meet. It’s difficult not to look at her and wonder who was in in my uterus before her, and after Eli. It’s difficult not to wonder – not to wonder who they might have been. But then I think again, if we hadn’t lost, would we be where we are right now? Would we have Edie at all? While I would have obviously never wished for a miscarriage, maybe it was a painful bridge we had to cross to get to the love and joy of our new baby girl. This teeny, tiny human, that I’m having trouble with sleeping beside, because I just can’t stop staring at her. This teeny, tiny human that has made our little family complete – that has made Eli a Big Brother – nay, an AMAZING big brother that we’re just in awe of.

Edie will always be a little bit special 🌈 and that doesn’t mean we’re forgetting about the one we lost. But it definitely does make us feel like the luckiest parents on the planet to have our two glorious children.

—-

Sending love and luck to those who have yet celebrate the arrival of their own Rainbow Baby. Edie is proof of joy after loss, don’t let go of your own hope 🌈

C
✖️✖️✖️

 

PREGNANCY & ME // MY POSITIVE BIRTH STORY

Image may contain: one or more people, people sleeping and baby

  • STM
  • Edith (Edie) Lavender Aurora Hill
  • 🌈 Bébé
  • 02/08/2019 at 00:18
  • 40 weeks + 6 days
  • 7 lb 1.5oz
  • Spontaneous labour
  • No pain relief
  • No intervention
  • Gave birth in Triage
  • Stepping Hill Hospital, Manchester, UK

—-

I feel so bloody chuffed to be finally writing a POSITIVE birth story. Despite beginning our Hypnobirthing journey at 25 weeks pregnant, I think its fair to say that I doubted how this labour would pan out. I had a traumatic birth with Eli that lasted 30+ hours due to induction at 42 weeks. I won’t go into the story of Eli’s birth, because I have made ‘peace’ with it now and its not healthy to continue to dwell on it (hiya Mum-Guilt, great to see you again).

So I’ll push the previous history to one side and start from the beginning with Edie’s birth now.


I had initially set out to avoid ALL intervention with this pregnancy, including any sweeps.  I’d had 4 failed sweeps with Eli and felt it was a pretty pointless procedure, in my opinion. I voiced this in my birth preferences and talked through interventions with my community midwife team. Instead, from around 35 weeks I started drinking in my all of the Raspberry Leaf Tea, I started eating 6 dates a day and then when we hit 37 weeks, I started taking a bath on an evening infused with Clary Sage essential oil, I started eating fresh pineapple (including the core, ‘cos Bromelain), I added Clary Sage to the oil diffuser with lavender, we added Clary Sage to Cowshed body oil and massaged it into my bump and ankles (!!), I used my Medela Swing for 5-10 minutes on each breast in an attempt to stimulate oxytocin and continued to go to bed and meditate using my Positive Birth Company MP3′s.

But at my 40 week appointment, I was HOT and beginning to feel a bit fed up. When asked if I still wanted to decline any intervention….I said “sod it” and agreed to a one-time sweep. Just to see…

I was advised if anything was to ‘happen’ it would do so within 48 hours. Obviously, all of the above are old wives tales – Hypnobirthing science aside, of course! Nothing is going to push your body into giving birth. Your baby will come, when your baby is ready.

At 1pm, 48 hours (practically!) to the minute, I started to have what I thought were Braxton Hicks. Eli and I hauled ourselves into my bedroom and I whacked Friends on whilst he played on Minecraft. We had lunch and I kept an eye on the frequency of the surges (contractions). They seemed regular. I opened up the Freya App on my phone and began timing the surges – they were lasting 30 seconds or so and were 6 minutes apart. I convinced myself this wasn’t labour and decided it would be a good idea to tidy the entire house, hoover, clean my bedroom window and then sew up a pair of James’ trousers that I’d been putting off.

Now it was about 4pm and the surges had continued to stay regular throughout all my weird nesting chores. I texted James and asked him to keep an eye on the trains (we’d had dreadful local flooding the day before) but assured him that I was fine and it ‘probably’ wasn’t even real surges. By 5:30, the surges were more frequent and lasting 40-60 seconds. I texted James and asked him to leave work because the surges were lasting longer and had become more powerful (painful). I was really feeling the effects of ‘Up Breathing’ at this point – I couldn’t get through a surge without it.

James got home just after 6:30pm and made me beans on french toast, incase I was in labour. Then he fannied about making tea for himself and Eli. Meanwhile, the Freya App told me I was in established labour…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By 7pm, the surges were less than 3 minutes apart and I was reallllllly feeling it. I had two paracetamol (LOL) and made James get a rush on with eating his tea and sorting Eli out. Of course James was ridiculously laid back about all of this! By 7:30pm I got in the bath and I asked James to ring Maternity Triage to ask for advice. We both spoke to the Midwives on Triage – they were so lovely and advised I should go in to be assessed.

I said my goodbye’s to Eli – and he kissed the bump for the last time. He told me he was proud of me and that I MUST remember to keep breathing! (I did). He grabbed his suitcase, iPad and monkey and off he went on his own adventure next door!

 

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At 8pm, we were in the car making the 10 minute journey to Stepping Hill Hospital. I had the soothing tone of Siobhan Miller in my headphones and whacked on a eye-mask so I could concentrate – I’d also added Clary Sage and Lavender to one of Eli’s old muslin’s to breathe in. I’d convinced myself I must have been about 5-6cm, especially as the surges were so close together now.

We made it to Triage just after 8:15pm and were immediately seen. I really struggled with the examination due to the frequency and power of my surges. It took my Midwife, Deb, a little while to get me on the bed to be assessed. Eventually she managed and announced that I was JUST 1cm dilated. I couldn’t believe it. If this was barely the beginning, I had absolutely NO IDEA how I could cope with the rest of labour. I had to knock that doubt straight out of my head and by 9pm, we were on our way back home.

James put candles around the bedroom, closed the curtains then on the oil diffuser went. I kept the Positive Affirmations MP3 going via my headphones, rocked back and forth on my birth ball and we continued to time the surges. By 10pm James noticed that my breathing had changed and kept putting me back on track. Sadly, I couldn’t deal with him massaging my back or doing the light touch we’d planned on – I was completely in the zone, kept my eyes closed, and was doing exactly what my body told me to do.

By 11pm, I couldn’t cope with the sheer power of the surges and there was little to no break between them now. I had to switch off the MP3 at this point because some of the affirmations weren’t totally relevant. Instead, I used my visualisations (of St. Ives beach! and also of the placement of my favourite positive affirmation cards around the house) and I kept repeating my favourite affirmations to  myself: ‘my surges cannot be more powerful than me, because they are me‘ and ‘every surge brings me closer to my baby‘. I got James to ring Triage again, they advised that being in our home environment for as long as possible would be better than going back to the hospital again – especially as it had only been 2 hours since we left (and my waters were still in tact).

Reluctantly, I continued to labour at home – we knew I was in real labour so I turned off my phone and the Freya App which had proven to be so invaluable during and up till this point. By 11:30 I  found I had too much discomfort in my coccyx and it felt like my bladder was overly full – but I couldn’t pass urine (I couldn’t get off the ball to get to the toilet to be truthful!). I’m not gonna lie here, I was in total agony. My breathing had changed once again and I was actively ‘Down Breathing’, James kept trying to bring it back to Up Breathing, but there was no chance. I was screaming out as I reached the peak of each surge now too. It was an animalistic release – which brought me a real relief too.

I was thinking I needed an immediate Epidural – or even better -to be knocked out for a C-Section. I felt like I couldn’t go any longer*. There was no way any other drug would help me now. I needed my baby to come out and we HAD to get to the hospital. Then POW my waters broke. It was a massive gush of warmth down my legs, which I ignored and continued to breathe and bounce. Thankfully, my waters were clear. PHEW.

*I now understand that what I was feeling here was TRANSITION.

Transition is the final phase of the first stage of labour, following early and active labour. At this point, a woman progresses from seven to 10 centimetres, often in less than an hour. The word transition means that her body is making the shift from opening the cervix to the beginning of the baby’s descent.

 

As I’d been induced with Eli and the midwives failed to break my waters on no less than 3 occasions, I had no experience of what it felt like to have your waters break naturally. It was absolutely crackers – it was a big pop towards my public bone and I knew then, that she was coming. James rang Triage and told them we were en route again and my waters had now gone.

It took me about 6 minutes to get from our bedroom to the car on the drive. How I managed to get down the stairs I will never know.

Outside was so eery. It was midnight and there was a low cloud – you could barely see in front of you – it was completely silent. James drove SO carefully to the hospital – I screamed at him “this is one time you’re allowed to rag the car about!”. It was quite honestly like a film.

But he kept his cool. He has since admitted he didn’t think I was much further along than the 1cm, so he was relatively laid back.I do have a reputation for over-dramatising situations – so this isn’t his fault.

We got to the hospital and he parked up. I couldn’t get out of the car. I was screaming through my surges and my body started pushing down. I had no control over the pushing. It’s what my body wanted to do. Once through the hospital entrance, James grabbed a wheelchair. I jumped onto it, on my knees and he dragged me to the lift. There was another woman behind us, who was apparently also pushing. She waited for the next lift.

James tried to get me through the double doors once at Triage, but he was struggling, so I jumped off the wheelchair and ran into a room, stripped all of my clothes off and got on the bed, on all fours. I announced I was Hypnobirthing and pushing.

Deb, my midwife, who I’d seen only 3 hours earlier, was attempting to calm me down so she could assess if I was indeed dilated enough to be pushing. She said she could see the baby’s head and that she was going to coach me through the pushing. Sarah, the second midwife on Triage came in and let us know that the lady behind us was also pushing and she had alerted the Delivery Suite about the two of us. But it was too late for me – I was going to give birth in Triage!

I pushed Edie’s head out in 3 pushes – 2 pushes later she was completely out – shocked, but blinking. She’d been born in the wrong department, 10 minutes after arriving. I scooped her up between my legs and rubbed at her little body. She wasn’t breathing – Deb cut the cord and grabbed a towel to try and rouse Edie. After a minute or so, Edie was taken away to Resuscitation.

 

As we’d not been able to have delayed cord clamping because Edie had rushed into the world, I used my B.R.A.I.N and agreed to having Active Management of the placenta. Deb administered the injection of Syntocinon and began massaging my tummy. A few minutes of surges and pushing later my placenta was delivered. While the placenta was in tact, Deb noticed that out came a gush of meconium with it. This indicated that Edie had passed her first bowel movement with the stress of coming out so quickly.

We were all shell-shocked.

Completely shell-shocked.

It felt like a lifetime before Edie was brought back to us.

 

When she was finally placed in my arms, I relaxed down. I felt the biggest rush of love, EVER. I’d done it. I’d given birth to our daughter, using Hypnobirthing tools and without any pain relief whatsoever. I’d gone from 1cm dilated to giving birth in the space of 3 hours.

I couldn’t believe it.

I still can’t believe it – almost a fortnight on. It still feels like a totally surreal, but serene, experience. Kind of out of body. I can remember every single detail. Which is something I am missing from Eli’s birth, due to the amount of drugs that were administered.

A run-down of my labour – total time is cited as 1 hour, 40 minutes!

Deb finished cleaning me up and then we were taken to the Delivery Suite (ironically). Once there, Edie was taken to the warming cot by my new Midwife Eileen, who took bloods and called a Paediatrician down. There had been issues with the PH gasses of the placenta, meaning Edie needed some extra monitoring. Eileen was an Irish midwife who was just the biggest and brightest soul. She was old school and simply magical.

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There was a struggle with getting the right amount of blood from Edie so more specialists were called. Remembering my Hypnobirthing kept me as calm as I could possibly be. James didn’t leave her side – he held onto her tiny hand while Eileen repeatedly checked my stat’s and then called for a Doctor to repair the 2nd degree tear I’d received. After a fairly shocking Episiotomy (that landed me with blood poisoning and a week back in hospital following Eli’s birth), a specialist was required for the repair job. I finally got my hands on Gas & Air. I did as I was asked and took 10 deep and quick breaths on the gas, I shouted that it didn’t work in that oh so familiar low-tone and then felt that floating feeling. My Doctor, Sarah, started stitching, I could feel it, so I got my breathing in order using Up Breathing and sailed high and free. Bliss.

I didn’t want to hand the gas back, but Eileen made me. She then brought that Tea and Toast… so all was forgiven!

 

 

Image may contain: food
If you know, you know!

 

This experience was so far-removed from my previous labour and recovery. For one, James was addressed at every single opportunity. Which made such a difference.

Eileen ever so sweetly grabbed my toiletry bag from my case and started unpacking the shampoo and conditioner so I could have a shower with everything I needed. It’s such an intense relationship that you form with a Midwife, in such a short time. I felt so overwhelmed with love and support from Eileen – I could actually cry right now, remembering how she cared for me.

We weren’t rushed at all; given all the time we needed, but by 5am, it was time to head to the postnatal ward, MAT2. I went into a wheelchair, pulled by Eileen, holding tightly onto Edie who was now bundled in blankets and her very first baby grow. A red knitted hat was given – this was intentional – we later found out that different coloured hats meant different things. For us, the red hat was a signifier for staff that Edie had needed special care (as well as keeping her little head warm!). We said our goodbye’s to Eileen and settled into the cubicle on the ward. James was even allowed to stay – again, this meant the world to us as he’d been sent straight home following the birth of Eli.

6am and James was snoring in the corner, I watched the sunrise through the gap in the curtains and felt the most intense love for this little human in my arms.

At 6:30am I was introduced to Emma, the Midwife on duty – she took mine and Edie’s stat’s and I was given Paracetamol for the after-pains you experience post-birth. We were also shown to the family kitchen, which was stocked to the brim with breakfast foods and an array of tea’s and coffee – of which James was allowed to access too. I was soon given a menu to choose my main meals for the rest of the day. We were then left to chill for 3 hours until our stat’s were repeated again. I tried to sleep, but it was warm and loud as new patients were added to the ward – along with people having their own stat’s read. I couldn’t stop staring at my new sweet baby girl anyway, so nothing was going to interrupt or impact on that!

By 9am, James wanted  to grab Eli from our amazing neighbours next door and freshen up. At 11am he returned and our glorious children met for the very first time.

 

To say I was emotional at our little family all meeting for the first time, would be a total understatement. I cried the happiest tears I imagine I’ll ever cry. I am so proud and so happy and so full of love, I’m not sure how I haven’t burst yet!

As Edie had needed special care, she was closely monitored by specialists – they found that her temperature was going up and down (only very slightly), but enough to warrant an extra night in hospital.

This was completely fine by me. It was a welcome stay. I wasn’t rushed out – in fact, the nurses told me we could stay as long as we wanted to! This really helped with my anxiety and stress. I felt like we had real personal care here – by professionals who were passionate about our wellbeing. We weren’t just another ‘number’ – which is how we felt at the hospital where we had Eli. (I am trying not to dwell on that past experience!)

Unfortunately, our first night, just us two, was not so successful. Edie screamed the ward down from 11pm until around 6am. I think she was over-tired and nothing I could do would overcome that. Two midwives came to the rescue and she eventually calmed down. I tried my best not to get stressed over it, but when you’re on a ward, its difficult to not worry about everyone else! I ended up walking up and down the hospital corridors for a few hours. As soon as I fell asleep, James and Eli arrived for the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had a full day of monitoring to get through before we were allowed to go home. Edie’s temperature eventually stabilised and all my stat’s were good. We then had a the Newborn hearing test and as Edie had received special care, a Paediatrician had to sign her Newborn Check off before we were discharged.

Everything was signed off and we were given the A-OK to head home in the evening!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We got home and all our neighbours came out to greet us. We had fish and chips and we all slept mega soundly. It was just the perfect start to our new family life.

In complete honesty, I would not have had the same pregnancy OR indeed  birth experience without The Positive Birth Company. I may not have had any of the TEN birth scenario’s that I wrote preferences for, or planned for (didn’t get to use the LED tea lights, playlist, oils or massage, birth pool or delayed cord clamping) but this was still such an incredibly positive birth.  An amazing labour and birth and so far, postpartum period.

From the Digital Course to reading the daily positive birth stories, I would not have been able to do it without the PBC and the Freya App. I felt so prepared and at ease this time around. I was genuinely excited for Edie’s birth and I’ve probably never felt more ‘zen’ in my entire life – which is quite the statement, coming from me. I feel a peace with both my birth experiences and the Hypnobirthing tools I learned will live with me forever!  I’ve even used several affirmations and the breathing techniques since having Edie.

I have never, felt so empowered and strong and brave in my entire life – and I doubt I ever will feel like this ever again.

So thank you Siobhan and the PBC for allowing me to have confidence in myself and my own decisions. I cannot recommend The Positive Birth Company enough. From our little family of four to you Siobhan, THANK YOU!

C
✖️✖️✖️

 

EDIE LAVENDER AURORA HILL
02/08/2019 at 00:18
7lb 1.5oz

 

 


For clarity, I was kindly #gifted The Digital Course by The Positive Birth Company. This is not a sponsored, paid post or an ad.

I only shout about items that I genuinely believe in, so be safe in the knowledge that I’m in love The PBC!

PREGNANCY & ME // THE DUE WINDOW

As I sit  bounce on my birth ball and write this post, I am currently 40 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

The “Any news?” and the “How are you feeling today…. ?” and the “Any twinges?” and the “Any sign of movement?” and the “Do you think it’ll be today?” and even the “ARE YOU IN LABOUR?!” messages are coming in thick and fast. In fact, they’ve been coming in thick and fast since around 35 weeks. Granted, the influx of messages this past week isn’t helped by my stint on BBC Radio 1 with Scott Mills & Chris Stark; that was my bad. But also, imagine this, 5 weeks of daily messages that aren’t really helping with my precious Oxytocin* levels.

*Oxytocin is the ‘love hormone’. The hormone we release when we feel good. This exact same hormone is responsible for every single surge we experience during labour. The hormone that drives your labour is Oxytocin – so we want to ensure our body is filled with Oxytocin!

I know the messages are well meaning and I know they’re from a good place, mostly of excitement for us all, which is lovely! Even when its from the random ‘friend’ with whom you’re “friends” with on Facebook, but haven’t spoken to since you left school or the SECURITY GUARD in sodding Waitrose! I’ve been polite and responded with my favourite affirmation, “My baby will come when my baby is ready”. – Which I know has caused some annoyance, but it is a true statement and it’s my go-to affirmation! Let’s be honest though, we really aren’t going to forget to message or indeed announce the arrival of our little babe. Honestly, we won’t…. Unless the messages and calls and comments keep coming, in which case, maybe we won’t tell you anything  😉 (To say that, The First Fourty Days: The Essential Art of Nourishing a New Mother is looking very favourable right now, would not be an understatement 😉 haha)

So, with this all in mind, my phone is either on silent or on Do Not Disturb…or perhaps I’m resting/nesting/napping/busy hanging with Eli. And if I do happen to open a message regarding the imminent arrival of our little one, even if its sent under the clever guise of “How are you doing today? Not as hot, which must be great for you!“, then I’m truthfully sorry, but I just cannot reply to these messages or comments any longer. James will update you instead. I’ve already taken myself away from social media (if you hadn’t noticed). The pressure of going into the later stages of my ‘due window’ and receiving daily communications like the above is driving me to distraction. I was tempted to switch my phone off completely… but I would assume that reaching the answer phone would only stir up additional excitement. So Do Not Disturb and having James monitor my messages it is. This might sound drastic or even dramatic, but in the most polite of terms, I have to put myself first now. I struggle with anxiety, and I’m dealing with all-sorts in me head as it is, so from my own personal perspective, this is just something that I need to do.

Being ‘overdue’ is exactly why we should be given a DUE WINDOW – or a ‘due month’. Every NHS provider here in the UK will allow a woman to reach 42 weeks before any medical assistance. And even then, we can decline intervention of any kind, unless there is a medical necessity of course. Therefore your ‘due window’ ranges from 37 weeks to 42 weeks. As my sister pointed out the other day, women have been giving birth for millions of years without assistance – they’ve also been giving birth without a specific time slot for the baby’s arrival too.

The obsession on due dates is mind-blowing. The pressure on women to give birth by an exact date is ridiculous. Dates can be wrong, really wrong. My cycle following my miscarriage went from being a standard 28 days to anything up to 35 days. I don’t know the exact moment I ovulated and I don’t know the exact moment I conceived this little babe. My body is not a robot, and neither is my baby. So how on earth is the baby meant to know when to arrive?! She doesn’t get an alarm clock in there that goes off at 40 weeks.  In actual fact, here in the UK, only 3-5% of babies are born on their ‘due date’. Thats potentially 97% of women going into the later stages of their own due window. This is quite commonplace. And even though I’ve been doing alllllllll of the old wives tales (Curry, Pineapple – of which has now severely blistered my tongue, x3 cups of Raspberry Leaf Tea a day, 6 dates a day etc), NOTHING will kickstart labour unless the mother is relaxed, calm and at ease. Any slight stress or apprehension, (darling family and friends, I am really sorry, but the messages are included here) WILL stop labour from starting. This most certainly happened with Eli so I have been doing EVERYTHING I can to avoid the trauma of Eli’s labour and birth happening a second time around – with Hypnobirthing playing the integral part here <<<< That will be my next post.

So, until I’m stress-free and relaxed, my baby will not release the hormone, Fibronectin. Yes, this is getting very Science, but as I said, this is not down to me, this is all precise science. Fibronectin is the protein produced by the baby which is released into the amniotic sac. This protein is then picked up by the cervix and given the go ahead to start labour. My baby quite literally knows when and how to be born.

Here is a list of things keeping me busy in the meantime:

  • “My baby will come when my baby is ready” – by literal means, as mentioned above. I trust that my baby and my body will work together when the time is right. My baby is cosy and healthy and safe in there right now. She’s still kicking the crap out of my ribs and undercarriage. So thats the main thing!
  • Napping.
  • Cleaning and tidying, again.
  • Probably re-packing my hospital bags for the 100th time.
  • Waking every hour during the night to empty what appears to be a full bladder that comes from god only knows where.
  • Ordering a take away because its too hot and I’m too tired to cook.
  • Enjoying the final days/weeks of my pregnancy – I feel so lucky to have had these last 9 months with my bump (despite the sickness, the additional appointments, the SPD and despite the hot, hot heat!). If this is the last time I’m pregnant, I really want to treasure it in the final stages.
  • Practicing my Hypnobirthing affirmations and Up/Down breathing.
  • Over-using my birth ball.
Bathing in Clary Sage, eating all the chocolate and drinking all the faux-prosecco!

 

  • Likely to be nagging delegating jobs to James.
  • Most importantly of all, I’m cherishing being able to hang out with our nearly 7 year old boy who’s life is also about to be turned upside down when his little sister finally decides to arrive. The Summer holidays have fallen at just the right time for us – so I’m treating these final days, just us two, as a real luxury.

I know and understand its difficult to be patient when you’re excited for us – we’re desperately trying to be patient too! And also please know, that this post isn’t meant to cause offence, its more just a way to update you all with were we’re at. I apologise profusely if this does offend; this is sincerely not my intention and I really hope you can all understand. We honestly appreciate all of the kind words and messages; I will look back over everything when the babe is here 🙂 James will also be in touch when anything of significance happens. And we promise we won’t forget to let you know when she does to decide to arrive Earthside.

Which you never know, could always be sooner than we think 🙂

C
✖️✖️✖️

 

 

 

BRAND IN FOCUS // AMAZON.co.uk – THE BABY WISHLIST

Baby Wishlist

When it comes to a new baby, regardless of whether its your first or 5th child, you will ALWAYS need to buy new things/newborn safety products/textiles/GENERAL STUFF. Plus, there’s always something new thats come out to make life as a new parent easier too.

When we had Eli, we were pretty organised. We love a spreadsheet and we love a bit of market research as it happens too. Getting organised was a real pleasure and never, ever a chore. We spent  a lot of time researching exactly what we needed and using the spreadsheets helped keep us in check with budgets too. Once you’re into the swing of this new parenting lark, you will realise that there are more items that you simply cannot live without. You won’t know this until the baby is earth-side and understand how your baby works and what their additional needs may be. You’re learning on the job basically.

When it came to this pregnancy we were obviously excited to get organised again. We pulled out the pram and got it cleaned up. Went through all the old furniture, toys and essentials. As there is a 7 year age gap between our two children, some things we had sold, donated to charities or as we sadly found, a lot of the remaining items had actually perished (yes, you read right, we’ve actually had plastic items, electronics and textiles perish) after 5 house moves and their years in storage. Out came the old spreadsheet and we continued to add to it as we remembered all the items we really could have done with in those early weeks/months with Eli. SO many new items have launched since we had Eli in 2012; that will definitely help us and keep our little family unit afloat amongst the newborn chaos that will very soon ensue.

So? Whats this a bout a wishlist then?

WELL, stranger on the internet, I just had to share the secondary helper in all this organisation. Let me introduce you to >>>The Amazon Baby Wishlist.

Firstly, this has been great for us to keep track of what we still need to buy and what we’ve managed to get. Amazon is usually the cheapest place to find items; with the exception of individual retailer sales and promotions. We always cross-check before we buy online. But in general, Amazon.co.uk is our go-to! Its been great for budgeting too.

So? What’s so good about it then?

Well, let me talk you through how it works!

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 // CREATE YOUR WISHLIST

This is mega simple to set up with your details, including potential baby arrival date. You can have a few users who can participate in adding to the wishlist – this is helpful for when James and I are both looking at different items and can easily see what eachother has found. You can also see what has been purchased too (this is great when you’re sharing the wishlist, but I’ll get to that bit shortly).

// ADD ITEMS FROM ANY WEBSITE OR BROWSE THE AMAZON CURATED LISTS FOR RECOMMENDATIONS

The curated lists are really helpful, especially for first-time parents!

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// PLANNING ON A BABY SHOWER? OR SIMPLY WANT TO SHARE YOUR LIST?

This is a great, great tool! You can easily share the link of your wishlist with friends and family so they know *exactly* what you would like, or in our case, exactly what we NEED. This also means you’re not getting duplicate items from well-meaning gift-givers or items that you really don’t need or have the space for! Thus saving your friends and family time and money too.

 

// FINALLY, ADD ITEMS AS YOU GO AND KEEP TRACK OF EVERYTHING IN ONE PLACE

As mentioned earlier, this is great for when several users are adding to the list. Again, also useful to see what’s already been purchased – especially when you’ve shared your list with friends and family, so no duplicate items! James has a tendency to delete items from the list once purchased. But there’s no reason why you can’t leave items on the list as the status changes to “Purchased”.

And thats not all!

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FREE WELCOME GIFT
An exciting new gift is released each month, choose one and make it yours.
Claim yours here >

 

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SAVE UP TO 30%

Prepare for baby’s arrival by saving up to 30% on a wide range of baby items.

// Spend £200 to receive 10% off. Use code WISHLIST10

// Spend £500 to receive 15% off. Use code WISHLIST15

// Spend £800 to receive 20% off. Use code WISHLIST20

// Spend £1000 to receive 30% off. Use code WISHLIST30. (Prime members onlY)

 

We managed to take advantage of the 20% code above – it worked out so well – especially as we had been given gift cards too. We managed to get £800+ worth of items for £360 in the end! There are several terms and conditions to being able to take full advantage of the codes above however – so make sure you read all the details here. Our main issue when trying to checkout was the delivery, oddly. For this promotion to apply, you need to make sure you select the same delivery option for all items being shipped, for example, all items must be dispatched to you using FREE delivery or all PRIME etc.

Head to the Baby Store on Amazon.co.uk to get started! You’ll find the ‘Add to Baby Wishlist‘ button on each product page, in the right hand navigation, as I’ve highlighted for you below:

If you’re pregnant or know someone who is, please share this blog post with them. It’s honestly been so much quicker, easier and CHEAPER for us using this Amazon Baby Wishlist this time!

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For clarity, this is not a sponsored or paid post – but does contain Affiliate links.

I only shout about items that I genuinely believe in however, so be safe in the knowledge that I’m in love with this Baby Wishlist tool!

PREGNANCY MUST-HAVE’S // THE PREGNANCY PILLOW

I asked the question – Can you recommend a brilliant pregnancy pillow please? – to my IG stories following. The top three answers were:

BB HugMe Pillow – RRP £138

 

 

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DreamGenii – RRP £50
ClevaMama Pillow – RRP £90

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

I wanted to wait until post-12 week scan to order, because I still had pregnancy anxiety. After a lot of further research, and although the most expensive of the pillows we looked at, post-12 weeks we ordered the BBHugMe Pillow in the luscious Dusky Pink colourway. (The pillow also comes in several additional colours – there are also additional spare colours available too – I’ve added these all to my SHOP. CLICK HERE). We felt there was more than enough evidence to suggest it was the best one for me – plus it could be used post-partum with the babe being able to relax on it/Eli being able to relax on it/us being able to relax on it, as well as a support whilst feeding.

bbhugme makes mums and babies happier, through a simple idea: a pillow for support to sit, lie and sleep comfortably throughout pregnancy and early childhood.

 

We managed to get quite a good deal on the pillow by going via Topcashback and then had a promotional code for Jo Jo Maman Bebe itself! The pillow looks great in the bedroom, it really doesn’t look out of place aesthetically – like my old one did – it looks like its just a luxury additional pillow! It also looks smashing on the sofa, where I have been using it more frequently when laying watching TV (when I’m not swaying on my Yoga ball of course).

 

I’m now 30 weeks pregnant and I can quite honestly say that this pillow has changed my life. Nay, it’s changed the life of Eli and indeed, James too! We all absolutely love it.

 

At 30 weeks, I’m currently up once in the night for a toilet trip – by this point with Eli, I was up several times. I’m not saying this scientifically, but from my experience, I’m going to put my excellent (current) bladder routine down to the BBHUGME Pillow. The way it supports my bump and pelvis MUST be working alongside in support of my bladder too.

And whats even better is, I get so comfortable, so easily and quickly, that I’m drifting off to sleep in a much more relaxed way too. I’ve often had to read/watch TV/listen to music to fall asleep – I’ve always need distractions to ease me off – but not now! I can happily and proudly say, I fall straight to sleep, on my own, no distractions necessary!  I can see this pillow in bed with me for the long run… sorry James!

SO, to surmise, I’d say so far, this is the best pregnancy item that we’ve ever bought. Yes, its more pricey, but you cannot put a price on the comfort, support and peaceful slumber I’ve been able to get from the pillow this time. This pillow can be adjusted to just how you like it as the beads inside are flexible – this means the pillow will grow with all shapes and sizes throughout pregnancy and beyond. It comes with a carry bag if you’re travelling about – and guess what else? The cover is machine washable – praise be!

I cannot recommend this product enough! Currently pregnant? GO GET A BBHUGME NOW!

For product details, information on the design of this product and the experts behind the BBHUGME pillow, please read below.

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MORE ABOUT THE BBHUGME PILLOW

Developed by natural and medical health professionals

Bbhugme was created by three chiropractors from Norway, Hilde, Ann Kristin and Elisabeth, who shared a deep interest in chiropractic care of pregnant women, moms and babies. They saw many teary, sleep-deprived women who were suffering from pelvic and back pain before, during and after pregnancy. The three realised that the women needed even more support and care – a long-lasting, take-home solution that could support them beyond the care they get at clinics. This was the origin of the bbhugme pillow.

A better pillow

The three chiropractors got together with designers to make a unique pillow that mothers could count on for support. The pillow comes from focus on the details that mapper. The right shape, filled with a specific size and type of mirco-beads, gives sturdy, but flexible support for every body type. The pillow fabric is elastic, yet strong enough to avoid being ripped when used. Allergy- and eco-friendliness are also important. For nursing the baby, it helps if the pillow can be strapped around the body. Zippers and velcro aren’t soft enough, so we use a tie that allows mothers to remove and wash the outer sleeve.

The hard work that went into the design process was recognized in 2015, when bbhugme won “Best Design Award” from The Norwegian Centre for Design and Architecture.

Serving mothers around the world

From serving Norwegian customers, the company has grown and is now expanding into Europe and the USA. Sales through retailers, chiropractors and online are growing quickly. What remains the same is that we’re a company driven by professionalism, passion and care for the pregnant women and mothers that we created bbhugme for. It’s their stories of relaxation, contentment and comfort that have made this project worth it.

Meet the experts

bbhugme® products are tested and quality approved by out panel of specialists in health, motherhood and design. They know a lot about caring for women and new families. They’re also curious and caring, always out to learn more – and share what they know.

DR. HILDE TAVARES

DR. HILDE TAVARES

FOUNDER | CHIROPRACTOR

Hilde is an innovator, instructor, speaker, entrepreneur – and mother to three lively children. She’s practiced family wellness care in Norway since 2002 and has an advanced degree in musculoskeletal health in pregnancy and paediatrics.

“I’m passionate about supporting and caring for women and their partners through pregnancy, birth and infancy.”

ANN KRISTIN HOMDRUM

ANN KRISTIN HOMDRUM

FOUNDER | CHIROPRACTOR

Ann Kristin is a chiropractor, author, speaker and entrepreneur, who has dedicated her life to learning and teaching about conscious health decisions. She specializes in chiropractic care for pregnant women and children and breastfeeding support.

“I believe in enjoying family life to the fullest, through a natural and healthy lifestyle.”

TINE FJELDSTAD

TINE FJELDSTAD

PSYCHOLOGIST | PSYCHOTHERAPIST

Tine is a specialist in neurology and cognition for the female brain with hormonal influence. She runs a clinic in Oslo, offering

therapy for individuals and families, in partnership with other experts in pregnancy, yoga and holistic medicine.

“I’m dedicated to supporting and preparing pregnant women and new families for a new phase in their lives.”

ÅSA LIND MELIN

ÅSA LIND MELIN

MIDWIFE

In 25 years, Åsa’s nearly done it all, in midwifery, birth, pregnancy care, and women’s health.

She’s trained in baby massage and Shiatsu massage for pregnant women, worked in delivery wards, managed a private practice and operated her own midwifery practice, and counselled clients on pregnancy and birth.

“I help prepare families for the rollercoaster that starts with a new baby arriving in the home.”

 

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For clarity, this is not a sponsored or paid post – but does contain some Affiliate links.

I only shout about items that I genuinely believe in however, so be safe in the knowledge that I’m in love with this product!

PALOMA FAITH x COSATTO // HEAR US ROAR

 

Let me start by mentioning that Paloma Faith is one of the nicest human beings I had the pleasure of working with, whilst at Bestival, back in the day when I was the (Global) Social Media Exec at AllSaints.  Paloma was friendly, welcoming, full of humour, laughter and was genuinely just a total joy to be around. Since then, I have indeed followed Paloma’s musical career and admired her for speaking out about her parenting methods.

So when I saw that Paloma had joined forces with Cosatto for a creative collaboration, I was ready to be hooked. I knew that Paloma would create something unique, fun and eye-catching; but the collection itself is just stunning. Using my favourite print of all, Leopard, Paloma and Cosatto have created a range of items from newborn that have bags of style, personality and of course, functionality.

For the low-down on the collaboration, including some behind the scenes photos, scroll on below.

 

Paloma Faith for Cosatto

 

“THESE DESIGNS MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY TO BE DIFFERENT – MY CHILD LOVES THEM TOO.”

– Paloma Faith

 

Paloma tearing up the rulebook. Cosatto’s Creative Director Vicky loving it.

Cosatto believes in celebrating parenthood by creating baby products that make a statement and stand out from the crowd. The new collaborative range, therefore, is irreverent, opulent and confident, bringing a new dimension to the parenting experience.

 

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Outrageously opulent. Outrageously rare. Crafted with over a million stitches.

Hear Us Roar

Hear Us Roar reflects the huge leap in popularity of animal print across all design categories. The leopard print design features on Cosatto’s bestselling model, Giggle 3, the classic pram and pushchair.

Channelling Faith’s signature retro Hollywood glamour, the design is also available on an oversized hat box changing bag. This is alongside a coordinating leopard print footmuff.

Anarchy in the Nursery

Taking its luxury travel system, Wow, Cosatto has also crafted a short run of prams taking reference from the ancient orient and 19th century Russian decorative arts.

This limited-edition design features state of the art printing techniques, traditional style embroidery as well as enamelled gold trims. Other highlights include a leatherette handle in teal, air filled tyres together with an extra-large carry cot. The travel system also has a coordinating luxury footmuff.

 

Extremely exclusive, extremely embroidered. Crafted with over a million stitches, Paloma’s Anarchy in the Nursery design pram is the rarest beast with only 50 available worldwide.

The world in your sights . It started with a sketch then took flight. Start where you are and the possibilities are endless. Paloma said so.

 

Finally, there is the Paloma Faith for Cosatto original coordinating Utility Bum Bag. This statement accessory can hold an iPad, nappies and bottles.

Commenting on the range, Faith says: “When I was a new mother, I felt like none of the designs out there really suited my personality. They all made me feel like I had to become someone else to be a good mother.

“I wanted to design something that allowed me to celebrate who I am while also stimulating my child and showing them that it’s ok to stand out from the crowd and have joie de vivre about all things. These designs make me feel happy to be different and my child loves them too.”

 

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Faithful to her vision. Paloma admires her handiwork with Vicky, Cosatto’s Creative Director.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vicky Morley, creative director at Cosatto, adds: “We are chuffed to bits to be working with Paloma. She is a creative force with a natural flair for spotting trends. Paloma has an uncanny sense for what is at once extraordinary, outspoken and outlandish, while at the same time irresistibly appealing.

“She is a true talent with a unique view of the world. Paloma is not afraid to be herself and stand up for what she believes in. This is also a Cosatto sentiment. We are kindred spirits – this is what drew us to her.”

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5 Reasons to Buy Giggle 3

Meet the Cosatto Giggle 3 pram and pushchair. Taking gold-winning Giggle 2’s famous features and smooth handling even further, Giggle 3 is your nippy three wheel from-birth pram, reversible pushchair and Cosatto car seat carrier. Discover even more premium detailing, from the stitched leather handle to the deluxe amped-up wheels. Choose your statement around-town wonder. Relax with all you need from birth and beyond.

Classic 3 in 1. No need to buy separate carrycot, pram or duo-directional pushchair – Cosatto Giggle 3 pram and pushchair’s got the lot from day dot. The from-birth carrycot, (suitable for occasional overnight sleeping), converts to pram mode. Swap it to the reversible pushchair seat unit when they’re ready to sit up – facing you first, then the world.

Ultra-Portable. Compact Giggle 3 is your go-anywhere, stow-anywhere hero with flat-folding lightweight chassis. Great for smaller cars.

User-Friendly. With height-adjustable premium leather handle for walking tall, easy-release buttons for mode-changes they can sleep through, pop-off swivel wheels to whizz under the tap and snoozy multi-recline seat – Giggle 3 makes life a breeze.

Comfy All-Round. The luxury carrycot has maximised space to accommodate growing babies and the luxury zip-in liner is tailored for extra comfort. Add the matching Cosatto 0+ car seat to make Giggle 3 a travel system.

Patterns Babies Love. Designed in their studio in the North of England, Giggle 3 unites Cosatto’s passion for design and baby science. It’s crafted with engaging, baby-pleasing patterns in the hood. Put your baby at the heart of the story and the heart of Great British design.

Cosatto. Clever stuff for happy babies.

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Giggle 3 Pram & Pushchair // CLICK TO BUY
£559.95

 

 

Hat Box Changing Bag // CLICK TO BUY
£79.95

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Car Seat – Group 0+ // CLICK TO BUY
£184.95
Footmuff // CLICK TO BUY
£79.95

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EXCLUSIVELY AVAILABLE TO ORDER FROM MOTHERCARE

*Port adaptors required for use with the Giggle chassis.

 

I’m seriously keeping my fingers crossed that James lets me buy into it ahead of this baba’s arrival (note from narrator, I bet he won’t).

 

Paloma Faith for Cosatto

 

 


MORE ABOUT // PALOMA FAITH

Paloma Faith. Artist, style icon, actress, activist, mother. This inspirational Brit-award-winning artist with three double platinum selling albums and a career spanning over a decade appears regularly on our TV screens, has over a million followers on social and is a force for empowerment of young women.

 


Some words covered in this blog post and story of behind the collaboration, taken from the dedicated website: HEAR US ROAR

I just absolutely love this collaboration, but please also note, for clarity, this is not a sponsored post or a post or #AD, though there are some Affiliate links embedded.

OH HEY BABY // BRISTON-HILL BABE – Due Summer 2019 🌿

“If you want the rainbow, you have to deal with the rain.”

 

― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

 

 

OH HEY BABY! 🌿

It’s been nice carrying this wondrous little secret for the last 13 weeks & 1 day, but it felt even better seeing this 🌈 baba doing somersaults at our 12 week scan, last Friday! ✨

This isn’t the first scan we had during this pregnancy though. As this is a pregnancy after loss, I was given a scan at what we thought was 7-8 weeks. The measurements however tallied up to being more like 6 weeks, though a strong heartbeat could be seen. While this was a relief to see such a teeny, tiny flickering heart beat, I couldn’t stop feeling anxious that something wasn’t right. Was the baby not growing adequately? How could my dates not be right? We’d been doing Ovulation Tests as it took so much longer to conceive this time (I’ll be writing a post on this later). James tried to reassure me with lots of logical explanations for all of my worries. Then I went back into my pregnancy app (I use the FLO Heath app for Apple which iPhone Health) and realised that my dates were a week out, d’oh. And so the baby brain begins!

 

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Can we just talk about the difference in the scans?! The 12 week scan dates this baby to be 12 weeks & 6 days. The first scan dates the baby to be around 6 weeks. So in 6 weeks, a whole baby has completely formed and I find it so extraordinary. To see the baby bouncing around in my tummy with two hands and two legs and a whole spine and ribs and heart and brain and NOSE. It’s just so magical and I don’t think I will ever get over how amazing a sight that is.

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3 months have slowly gone by, filled with a heccuva lot of nausea (way worse than Eli), the biggest food aversions to everything, ever (way worse than Eli), tiredness (way worse than Eli), major anxiety (way worse than Eli) and my heart filled with an insane amount of hope (just like with Eli)💫

Our new little babe has the same due date we were given with Eli too – so that’s been LOLs😂

Eli is ridiculously excited to be a big brother – and has been looking after me like a proper little boss!🖤 Oh and @jameshill.tv is pretty made up too 🥰

So for now, 2019 – let’s do this! ✌🏼
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NEVER KNOWINGLY CONCISE // THIS IS ME

THIS IS ME

Where do I even begin with this?

Right, DEEP BREATH. Here we go!

I have always been small, in height, the smallest at school… the smallest in every single friendship group since then. The smallest in the family. When I was working at Eli’s school last year, there were even children almost my height, and they were pushing age 8 (!!), if that. I was often mocked as a child because of my height, “short arse” and “little legs” are the nicer of the names I was referred to. It made me feel ‘picked on’, and singled out to be referred to because of my height. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know I shouldn’t, but I actually really DO care what other people think – to my own detriment.

I had the familiar pang of sadness, that I’d had so many times as a child, when Eli came along. He’s on the shorter side of “the chart” for his age – he’s always followed the same line on the chart. He was born with several conditions too (Talipes, Torticollis, Hypermobility) which in turn could have some kind of effect on his growth. He’s actually only just below average height for his age. Most kids are ABOVE AVERAGE in height; making him look smaller. I became/become hyper-sensitive when we get adults proclaim  “Oh isn’t he small!” “Eli is so tiny for his age isn’t he!” “My son is 3 years younger than him and already his height!”. Why are you even referring to his height? Why is it such a BIG THING for you to point out? I’m totally digressing from my own issues here because I’m being defensive and protective of him; but just wanted to point out that your throwaway comments about something like height (and I’ll get onto this now, but also, weight) can actually hit someone in such a bad way, especially when they’re already mega conscious of what you’re pointing out. Instead of referring to my son’s height, how about you refer to how agile and strong and clever and cheeky and funny and how unbelievably caring and creative he is?

ANYWAY…

Back to it.

My height I cannot do anything about and I wholly accept that. So why oh why have I found body-acceptance so damn difficult?

I’m a complete little bit ginger (which again, I was cruelly bullied for as a child), I have a gazillion freckles, I have a rather large nose (which I do now accept and got pierced later in life because I was learning to embrace it… not embraced enough for me to tell my parents I’d had it pierced however!). I didn’t grow up with a good self image. At all. I’ve always struggled to look in the mirror.

I’m ‘petite’ – I’m quite literally 5 foot nothing. I have big old Mothering hips and a bust. I had a big arse well before it was in fash-un. I distinctly remember being told I had a ‘duck bum’ (that protruded as I walked), as a child. Putting on the odd pound here or there makes me look massive because of my height and stature.  My body shape is TOTALLY different to how it was when I was 8, when I was 15, when I was 21, heck, when I was pregnant with Eli at 26 and it’s even different to the months and years following the birth of Eli.

When I became a parent, I KNEW, I had to let go of the self-conscious me. I KNEW I had to let go of the cringing in the mirror. I KNEW I had to let go of the posing at my best angle and just live in the now and be the natural me in photographs.

I knew all this and still continued through life with the same mindset – just now being extra careful not to project any of my feelings onto Eli directly. I’m ALWAYS the one behind the camera. Never in front – unless my body is cropped – or unless I take a mirror selfie (the one I post is usually out of around 2000 that I take and cry over before eventually posting). It makes me so bloody sad going through our photos from our recent holiday to Florida; I’m barely in any of them. There’s probably 3 that I let James take of me and I would never ever post them. (He would be the first to admit that he is just awful at taking candid photos – so theres no point wasting phone memory on taking any of me at all). The confidence issue doesn’t stop with the photo-taking though.  I also walked around in 40c heat in Florida with my arms covered every single day. I was sweating like I never even imagined I could sweat, but still, I refused to take of the kimono or the jacket or the long sleeved dress. WHY? Because all of these strangers would see my bare arms?! GOD FORBID LASS. It’s nuts isn’t it? It’s actually nuts. I am my own worst enemy.

Since having Eli 6 years ago, my body has changed drastically. I put on 4 stone whilst pregnant with him. It came off quite slowly. I did every diet possible – but in the end I stuck to slim fast and the 5:2. Within a few months, I had gone down to a size 8-10. And I was still miserable. I was still unhappy with my body. The scars, the stretch marks, the wobbly bits. My dumpy little legs and my zero torso cos Petite. I still didn’t want to have my photograph taken. I still didn’t want to look in the mirror.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m now 32 and I’m only truly learning what it means to have ‘self-love’. I had a tough time following my miscarriage last year – not just because of the obvious. But because I was blaming this sack of a body I had to get around in. I blamed by body for failing to protect that baby that was so wanted. But my body wasn’t to blame at all. My body did what it needed to. When I realised that, I realised and understood how strong my body really is. How amazing my body actually is. But still, I couldn’t get that emotional response to project onto the outside and transfer into true body confidence.

For years I have watched and admired the confidence of so many amazing women across the media. (REAL women, like you and I). People like @StyleMeSunday and her Body Confidence campaigns – instantly jump to mind. For years I have wished I had just an ounce of that confidence. To be able to dress to my size, to not hide behind the floaty dresses (I will still love my floaty dresses, but not for playing hide & seek in!) , at jaunty angles and to actually feel comfortable within my own skin. To allow photographs to be taken of me… photos of me and my boy.  After all, when we’re gone, the only thing that will remain are these photographs of precious times and now all I can think about is the lack of any photographic evidence of us all together. It’s really just so sad, isn’t it? It’s terrible.

So? What’s your point? Well, stranger on the internet, I have began to finally feel better about my body.  More recently, folk like @mollyjforbes, @Inpolife, @life_with_Ivycoco, and of course, @CharliHoward@Erica_Davies & @HannahfGale – have all posted such amazing content with such honesty, how can I not take just a little bit of it on board? How can I not think better of my own body and bones?

About a month ago I went to a gathering organised by @MidsizeCollective – I almost didn’t go. I felt massive. I was beyond nervous. I was going on my own (I did meet up with long-time IG pal @i0wen in the end!). It all felt too much. I didn’t want anxiety to get the better of me.

I’m so bloody glad I went. It was exceptionally inspiring to be in a room with other women who understood me and my body shape. To be able to chat and share in our shopping woes of being ‘middle sized’ women. Because, you know what, we are the forgotten women. Not skinny… but not plus size. We’re NORMAL sized women. But why does it feel like we’re invisible? Why is it so difficult to find clothing that fits us? Why, oh, why, do we find body confidence so damn hard to work with?! Why are we not represented within the Fashion industry… within shops and their marketing? WHY OH WHY OH WHY?

I just want to feel comfortable in the skin that I have. To be comfortable with the skin that I’m in; whatever my size. To have appreciation for my body; and confidence in where my body takes me. We ALL have a body, whatever shape or size or height or colour(s) it may well be. So that’s our NORMAL. No more, definitely, no less. We’re all NORMAL.

And you know what? I heard that THICK THIGHS, SAVE LIVES. So it must be ok!

I also just wanted to give  a shout out to @annacarsarina, who has also set up her new account all about Mid-Size and Mid-Age style – she has carefully curated such a beautiful feed full of body happiness and inspiration. So thank you Anna – and thank you to all the other women mentioned above (and to those beyond this blog post) who have shown true and honest versions of themselves in a bid to normalise body confidence. THANK YOU. You are wonderful women and it’s also kind of ridiculous that we’re even having to write about this in 2018, isn’t it? Anyway, again, thank you for being YOU. I wouldn’t be sat here typing this out, without you.

So from this day forward, I swear I’m going to be happier in my own skin – I’m going to ALLOW photographs to be taken of me, candid or otherwise. I’m not about to jump into a bikini and show off all my bits… but I promise that I’m going to beat these bloody body confidence blues and get on with my life. Because you know what? Life is too hard and too tiring and it’s just too damn short to be fussing over what you look like in a pair of skinny jeans or with your arms out… or ON THE DAMN BEACH. Yes I could do with loosing a few more pounds (I cycle every day for almost 2 hours, but I also love crisps and chips and gravy), but importantly, I’m giving up on feeling body-shame and I’m going to embrace what I have, in the now and at the minute. And I would urge you to do the very same.

I cannot imagine what life must be like for those who are bringing up daughters. The pressure must just be so immense surrounding body positivity. I find it difficult enough bringing up a son in this world and talk endlessly to Eli about how we’re all different shapes and sizes and colours and that’s what makes us all so cool! The fact we’re all different and truly unique and diverse. The more we educate and understand and share the honesty, then the more NORMAL this whole movement will become. Hopefully, it won’t even BE a movement any longer – because, we’re all just out there living our best lives.

Additionally, I’m going to be using my social media platforms as a place to shout about Petite styles and fashion and inspiration because no, there isn’t enough of it out there. I’ve always tried to be inclusive of my styling tips/recommendations, but the industry definitely isn’t inclusive of people like me and my size. So sod the industry, and PETITE WOMEN, LET’S UNITE! #PetiteWomenUnite

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And there we have it.  My body confidence post, DONE.

Peace & Love

C
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MISCARRIAGE & ME // AN UPDATE: 5

“The thing you’re most afraid to write…. write that”.

Following the horrendous confirmation, that I was in fact, miscarrying what should have been our second child; I wrote my first blog post: Miscarriage & Me. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. I was exhausted, but could not sleep. “I’m fine” was the biggest lie (and probably still is!) and most-used words that I spoke. Bashing my feelings out on the keyboard of my laptop; my experiences of our Miscarriage – and being 100% honest, no matter how gruesome –  was what I was afraid to write. Because writing it made it all the more real. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t in denial of what was happening – it was just so  bloody surreal. But I am so glad I did get it all typed up. Not only was the process of writing the blog posts cathartic AF, but they actually helped people. Who knew the internet could be such a lovely place, in such dark times?

Today marks one year since we finally saw the words we so wanted to see. Pregnant 1-2 weeks popped up on that Clear Blue Digital Pregnancy Test (other tests are available… ).

ONE WHOLE ENTIRE YEAR.

365 days of trying to remember the much-wanted baby… and trying to let go, simultaneously.

I have been thinking a lot about the evolution of moving on from experiences in a healthy way. There was a time in my life when I tried to get over things by justifying them or bribing myself to accept certain things because “it could be way worse.” Then there were the times I spent trying dissect every little piece of something, hoping that if I could break it apart into small enough pieces I could maybe take those pieces and build it into something other than what it was. Right Now, I practice
@cleowade

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So, hows it all going? During the horror of miscarriage, I thought we’d never try again. It really hurt me in a way I didn’t think I could ever be hurt. It hurt both of us. Well, I’m finally feeling well enough, physically, to try again. I KNOW (!!!) Cycle-wise, it’s a bit all over the place still. I have ALWAYS been a 28-day cycle girl. Always. Even once my periods returned after having Eli, it was straight back to 28 days. Since my ERPC however, they’ve been a bit all over… 28-34 days seems to be the norm. My latest cycle being 31 days. They’re still beyond painful though, so nothing ever changes there! So do I need ovulation kits?! Or do we just wing it?! I feel really quite naive all of a sudden… any help would be greatly received with regards to this. I do remember we did the “Temping Method” when we were trying for Eli, but tbh, I cba with that!

Mentally, how’s it going? That’s another story. The mental battle of ‘trying again after loss’, is a cruel mistress. The battle of so desperately wanting to hold our own second child in our arms, rather than just in our hearts is, thinking about all that could go wrong… well, it’s pretty heart-wrenching. I’m scared. I’m really bloody scared. I have so many ‘what if?’ scenario’s going on, that I’m making myself dizzy. And quite tearful when I think about how things could well go. We haven’t even ‘tried’ yet and I’m already beside myself with worry. I’m guessing that’s normal though – for trying for that all elusive Rainbow Baby – even if you weren’t a born worrier to begin with! The fact Eli so desperately wants a baby brother or sister is very encouraging though, it’s certainly helped the process along. And I know he’s going to make THE BEST big brother, ever <3

So, what’s the whole point of this blog post?

Well, I wanted to just give myself a little reminder that, 365 days ago, we were so ecstatically happy. And we can be again, I know we can.

And if you’re going through the same pain of Miscarriage, but  can’t find the words to speak out loud…try bashing them out on the computer keyboard instead. There is ALWAYS someone there to listen, to offer help and support. Especially if you use such amazing resources like Tommy’s or The Miscarriage Association,

Sometimes the words, they come… sometimes they don’t. And for everything in-between, I have to acknowledge my favourite poet, Rupi Kaur, who is just a genius when it comes to getting the perfect collection of words together for you.

@Rupikaur_

 

Peace & Love

C
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