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MISCARRIAGE & ME // AN UPDATE: 5

“The thing you’re most afraid to write…. write that”.

Following the horrendous confirmation, that I was in fact, miscarrying what should have been our second child; I wrote my first blog post: Miscarriage & Me. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. I was exhausted, but could not sleep. “I’m fine” was the biggest lie (and probably still is!) and most-used words that I spoke. Bashing my feelings out on the keyboard of my laptop; my experiences of our Miscarriage – and being 100% honest, no matter how gruesome –  was what I was afraid to write. Because writing it made it all the more real. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t in denial of what was happening – it was just so  bloody surreal. But I am so glad I did get it all typed up. Not only was the process of writing the blog posts cathartic AF, but they actually helped people. Who knew the internet could be such a lovely place, in such dark times?

Today marks one year since we finally saw the words we so wanted to see. Pregnant 1-2 weeks popped up on that Clear Blue Digital Pregnancy Test (other tests are available… ).

ONE WHOLE ENTIRE YEAR.

365 days of trying to remember the much-wanted baby… and trying to let go, simultaneously.

I have been thinking a lot about the evolution of moving on from experiences in a healthy way. There was a time in my life when I tried to get over things by justifying them or bribing myself to accept certain things because “it could be way worse.” Then there were the times I spent trying dissect every little piece of something, hoping that if I could break it apart into small enough pieces I could maybe take those pieces and build it into something other than what it was. Right Now, I practice
@cleowade

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So, hows it all going? During the horror of miscarriage, I thought we’d never try again. It really hurt me in a way I didn’t think I could ever be hurt. It hurt both of us. Well, I’m finally feeling well enough, physically, to try again. I KNOW (!!!) Cycle-wise, it’s a bit all over the place still. I have ALWAYS been a 28-day cycle girl. Always. Even once my periods returned after having Eli, it was straight back to 28 days. Since my ERPC however, they’ve been a bit all over… 28-34 days seems to be the norm. My latest cycle being 31 days. They’re still beyond painful though, so nothing ever changes there! So do I need ovulation kits?! Or do we just wing it?! I feel really quite naive all of a sudden… any help would be greatly received with regards to this. I do remember we did the “Temping Method” when we were trying for Eli, but tbh, I cba with that!

Mentally, how’s it going? That’s another story. The mental battle of ‘trying again after loss’, is a cruel mistress. The battle of so desperately wanting to hold our own second child in our arms, rather than just in our hearts is, thinking about all that could go wrong… well, it’s pretty heart-wrenching. I’m scared. I’m really bloody scared. I have so many ‘what if?’ scenario’s going on, that I’m making myself dizzy. And quite tearful when I think about how things could well go. We haven’t even ‘tried’ yet and I’m already beside myself with worry. I’m guessing that’s normal though – for trying for that all elusive Rainbow Baby – even if you weren’t a born worrier to begin with! The fact Eli so desperately wants a baby brother or sister is very encouraging though, it’s certainly helped the process along. And I know he’s going to make THE BEST big brother, ever <3

So, what’s the whole point of this blog post?

Well, I wanted to just give myself a little reminder that, 365 days ago, we were so ecstatically happy. And we can be again, I know we can.

And if you’re going through the same pain of Miscarriage, but  can’t find the words to speak out loud…try bashing them out on the computer keyboard instead. There is ALWAYS someone there to listen, to offer help and support. Especially if you use such amazing resources like Tommy’s or The Miscarriage Association,

Sometimes the words, they come… sometimes they don’t. And for everything in-between, I have to acknowledge my favourite poet, Rupi Kaur, who is just a genius when it comes to getting the perfect collection of words together for you.

@Rupikaur_

 

Peace & Love

C
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BABYLOSS AWARENESS WEEK // BREAK THE SILENCE

Break the silence

I can’t quite get my head around the fact that I’m STILL going through this Miscarriage. I never would have imagined it would be such a long process, drawn out process. Ok, for some, it is quite a shockingly quick and robust experience – but for others, it is marred with several medical intervention attempts and a hell of a lot of limbo.

As I’m currently going through this heartbreak – many other women, couples, families are also going through it too. Around the world. As I’ve mentioned many times, 1 in 4 of us will go through it at some point. 1 in 4 of you have been there. You know the physical pain, the emotional pain. So, I wanted to write a blog post dedicated to you, as today marks the beginning of Baby Loss Awareness Week 2017; which is held annually, globally, to remember those very tiny lives lost in pregnancy and soon after birth. The week will culminate with a Wave of Light on Sunday (15th October) at 7pm. See further details below.

Firstly, thank you. I’m not sure how else to say it – but thank you for all the kindness.  It’s overwhelmed me and I’ll never forget it.

Secondly, I’ve shared so much of my journey; I’m an over-sharer by nature. But mostly,  apart from this whole process being cathartic for me, I also wanted to share because thats how we learn. We learn from others’ experiences. What I found, was that Pregnancy & Baby Loss was exceptionally untalked about. It’s seen as taboo and very private – is that a British thing, or is that the situation worldwide? In general, I’m ridiculously British about things – I’m pretty naive, I’m pretty prudish. I get bashful at the mention of S-E-X. But THIS, this, I NEED to talk about. I also need you to talk out too. Let’s get together to break the silence of miscarriage & baby loss during this, Baby Loss Awareness Month.

I’d like to propose that my blog serves as a platform for you to be able to share with me. If your experience has proven too difficult to talk about openly, I am more than happy to publish stories anonymously. Whatever works for you – just PLEASE talk. Though I’m not known for being concise, this doesn’t have to be lengthy – just a few words from the heart to help yourself and others heal. It serves as such comfort and support – whilst also being therapeutic for yourself. Personally? I have found true solace in these online realms. I can’t be the only one?!

You can contact me via the comments below, FB & IG private direct messages or via email: claire[at]clairebriston.com

C
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Charities such as the following also have ways to get involved this week, in support for Baby Loss Awareness Week.

Tommy’s

1 in 4 parents will have to go through the heartbreak of losing a child during pregnancy or birth. We need your help to stop these tragic deaths. Please join Team Tommy’s and help us find answers and cures.

Losing a baby at any stage of pregnancy is a devastating experience. It is hard to believe that in this day and age, up to one in four women will lose a baby during pregnancy or birth.

Tommy’s exists to change the unacceptable statistics connected to baby loss.

Thanks to the support of our incredible community, our research has lead to a reduced stillbirth rate of 22% in Greater Manchester between 2010 and 2014 and a 23% reduction in premature births in high risk women attending our London clinic during 2014-15.

Learn more about the impact of our work here: http://bit.ly/2we9Cvk#Babyloss

DONATE >> Make a donation to Tommy’s, The Baby Charity.

The Miscarriage Association

Stories of good care
During Babyloss Awareness Week this year, the 40 participating charities and groups are calling for improved care following the loss of a baby during pregnancy, or during or shortly after birth.

As part of this campaign, we are asking people to share their experiences of good care they have received, perhaps from a midwife, sonographer, friend or colleague. If you would like to get involved, please email a story of less than 150 words to babyloss@sands.org.uk, copying us in on awareness@miscarriageassociation.org.uk.

You can find more details on the Babyloss Awareness Week website.

Wave of light this Sunday
Last year we made a special video slideshow using hundreds of candles that lit up our Facebook page in memory of babies lost far too soon. If you’d like yours included this year, please add a note ‘For the video’ when you upload a picture.

While Baby Loss Awareness Week can be a special time of remembering and speaking about loss, we understand that it can also evoke painful memories. If you need to talk, please feel free to call our helpline on on 01924 200 799 (Monday – Friday9 a.m – 4 p.m) or see our website for other ways we offer support.

DONATE >> Make a donation to The Miscarriage Association

Baby Loss Awareness

Share your experience – this could be by telling a friend about Baby Loss Awareness Week, talking about your experience or wearing a Baby Loss Awareness pin badge. You could also use our specially designed social media images on your website, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, work intranet or noticeboard.

DONATE >> Make a donation to Babyloss Awareness.

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Miscarriage & Me // An update

Sharing my recent “bump” which was approx 11/12 weeks for #BumpDay in support of #MaternityHealth

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I just wanted to give a brief update since my post last week: Miscarriage & Me. 

First off, I have to just say a big huge THANK YOU. Thank you to every single one of you who has commented or messaged or emailed or called me. I can’t tell you how grateful we are for the support and kind words. Once again, never ever underestimate the kindness of strangers. I’ve had so many messages of support for me sharing the post. For encouraging discussion. For highlighting what will/can/might/might not happen.

Miscarriage happens because of science. It’s not something you can stop from happening – I hope those who have experienced this horrendous plight know that.  Also, Miscarriage is more common than people realise. It happens to at least 1 in 4 pregnancies. Many miscarriages are unreported and some go unnoticed as it happens so soon. Experts think that the real figure might be 1 in 3*.

Miscarriage is not taboo. It is so important that we discuss this. To help others understand… to help yourself to understand. Without sharing stories, how can we learn? How can the medical professionals learn and continue their research into Pregnancy Loss? So sharing experiences, that is my biggest take away from this whole thing.

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Just over a week on, how am I doing?

I’m going down the “Expectant Miscarriage” route with hope I have/am miscarrying naturally.

Well, I count myself as very lucky. So far, I haven’t bled anywhere near as much as I anticipated. As I touched on in my original post I have Endometriosis. So have been awaiting just the worst pain and the worst bleeding/tissue loss imaginable. I’ve had the back aches and extreme tiredness but again, nothing as bad as I’ve been expecting. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m going through a slow miscarriage – or whether its building up to some kind of cruel crescendo. I guess I’ll know more when I head back to the hospital next Tuesday for my re-scan and review.

So for now, I’m stuck in limbo. Not knowing whether its started, ended/ending or if it’s not even begun (properly). And this is the worst feeling – the not knowing. Just as bad as not knowing if you’re ok in the first place – before the bad news.

The entire pregnancy journey is basically just a whole load of anxiety and stress and endless knots in the stomach, isn’t it?

I feel like I need to do something good out of all of this. I know charities such as Tommy’s & The Miscarriage Association have a few ways to get involved. But if anyone does have any ideas that I can support, please let me know.

In the meantime, please do continue to share your stories. You can comment, message, email or bloody carrier pigeon your experiences or words to me. Always remember, sharing is caring.

All my love,
C
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*Statistics taken from Tommy’s // The Baby Charity. Information on Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss >> More details, here.